No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
