I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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