shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My cat gives me a boner
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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