the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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