Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
