When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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