note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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