apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
