I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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