I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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