maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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