I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
