you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
