when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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