I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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