things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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