We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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