You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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