His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
