Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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