Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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