you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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