I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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