My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
