Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
