So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
smell my finger.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
