Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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