we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
