I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
