He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
