The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
