i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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