like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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