Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
another moral hangover. fuck.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
