I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
