I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's blow job season.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
