Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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