I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
