My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
