Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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