Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
