The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think i have two assholes
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
