guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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