I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
