i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
