hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
