he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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