I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
