I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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