Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
